I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
