Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
ttyl tear gas
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
