we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
