glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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