if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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