the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
