you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
