I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
