ugly people sure do ruin things
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
my liver is dry heaving
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
