bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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