I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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