Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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