Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
