Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
