Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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