My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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