I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
