Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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