you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
