im having a threesome with these popsicles
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize