So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
