I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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