All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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