saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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