The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
