Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
