So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
