What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
