how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
