I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
