I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
