So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
