the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
