ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
