When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
