i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
