Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
