So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
