you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
