We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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