You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
