you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
