i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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