im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
