i already hear my dad disowning me
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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