Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
