I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
