11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
