i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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