fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
do nipples grow back?
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