Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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