just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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