I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
