how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
