Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
