Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
