3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
