take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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